The Great Peanut Butter Caper
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: Bert tries to give up peanut butter. Will he survive?
1. Bert Raccoon, Peanut Butter Fiend

* * *

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: One of my favorite cartoons growing up was "Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers." I am a huge Disney nut, especially the Classic Disney Era, and Disney television series from 1985 to 1996. In any case, I based this particular story around one of my favorite "Rescue Rangers" episodes. If you're familiar with "Rescue Rangers," you'll know which one it is right away ;)_

* * *

It looked like it was going to be a typical spring day in the Evergreen Forest. Bert's Californian pen pal, Reggie Drake, was in town visiting with his grandparents, and the three of them invited Bert, Ralph, Melissa, Cedric, and Sophia out for a picnic. After they got everything set up, Reggie began passing around the sandwiches.

"Great, I'm starving!" Ralph shouted.

Dr. Canard took a bite out of his sandwich. Unfortunately, he didn't taste much out of it. He took it apart, and looked at it.

"I think you've forgotten something, Reginald," he said. The others lifted the bread from their sandwiches, and saw the fillings were missing as well.

"Hey!" Reggie shouted. "Who's the wise guy that de-peanut buttered my peanut butter sandwiches?!"

"Bert!" everyone shouted at once, glaring at Bert.

"Sorry, guys," Bert said, sheepishly. "I couldn't help it! Once I smell peanut butter, I lose all control!"

"Bert, you've got to learn to pull yourself together when it comes to peanut butter," Melissa said.

"What are we going to do for lunch now?" Cedric asked.

"Don't worry, everybody," Mrs. Canard said, pulling a loaf of bread out of the basket. "Reggie and I came prepared."

"Right," Reggie said, rummaging through the basket. "I have an entire jar of peanut butter right here."

"You mean you _had_ an entire jar of peanut butter," Ralph said. "It's empty."

"Ber-_ert_!" Reggie shouted.

"Well, at least we still have Adelaide's cookies," Dr. Canard said.

"Oh yeah!" Reggie shouted. "Wait'll you taste these! You guys haven't lived until you've had one of Nana's . . . ."

"Peanut butter cookies?" Bert finished Reggie's sentence for him.

"Yeah, Nana makes the best . . . ." Reggie went on, and then he realized what Bert just said.

"Bert, you wouldn't," Melissa said.

"You couldn't," Sophia said.

"You didn't," Cedric said.

"He would, he could, and he did," Reggie groaned, checking the basket. "He didn't even leave us one cookie crumb!"

"Uhh . . . . heh, heh . . . . sorry," Bert said, shrugging. "But you're right about one thing, Reg, your nana's peanut butter cookies are the best I've ever had!"

"Well, we've still got the fruit," Dr. Canard said. Then he looked in the basket. "Scratch that. We _don't_ have the fruit."

"I sliced at least a dozen apples this morning!" Mrs. Canard shouted. "I know I packed them!"

"Don't tell me, Bert," Ralph groaned, slapping his hand over his eyes. "You used the apple slices to dip into the peanut butter jar."

"I, uhhh, I take the fifth," Bert said. Everyone groaned again. Ralph then took the only thing remaining from the picnic basket, which was a huge thermos of lemonade. Even that was gone. He glared at Bert.

"You want to explain how you drank an entire thermos of lemonade?" he asked.

"Well . . . ." Bert said. "I had to wash all that peanut butter down. You know it sticks to the roof of your mouth."

Reggie was seeing red at this point. He let out a scream and pounced on Bert, ready to tear him apart. Dr. Canard, Ralph, and Cedric pulled him off the peanut butter crazed raccoon before things got ugly.

"Down boy!" Ralph shouted.

"Steady, Reginald, steady . . . ." Dr, Canard said.

"Take it easy, Reggie," Cedric said.

"Bert, how could you eat our entire picnic like that?!" Reggie shouted. "It took us all night to throw it together! Nana and I had to drive all the way to Saskatchewan and back just to buy peanut butter! No store around here had any!"

"Bert, I think you've been eating too much peanut butter lately," Melissa said. "Maybe it's time you cut down."

"But . . . . but peanut butter's good for you!" Bert shouted. "It's full of protein!"

"Yeah, but too much of it isn't good for you, Bert," Ralph said. "You've got to admit, you've put on a quite a few peanut butter pounds there."

The others agreed on that one. Bert didn't. He wasn't going to cut back on peanut butter! Not by a long shot!

The next morning, Bert and Reggie were working on the roof of the Raccoondominum. Reggie climbed up the ladder while Bert hold it steady.

"Hand me the hammer, would you, Bert?" Reggie asked.

"Sure," Bert said, handing Reggie the hammer. "Do you think I eat too much peanut butter?"

"Yes," Reggie said. "It wouldn't kill you to cut back, you know. Doc says it isn't healthy to eat too much of one thing. Even if it is healthy."

"Even vegetables?"

"Oh yeah! I knew a girl in LA who ate nothing but carrot sticks. Seriously, she ate so many carrot sticks, she was starting to turn orange!"

Bert thought that one over. He and Reggie finished the roof, and Reggie climbed down. Bert was about to put the ladder away when he suddenly smelled something in the air. Then he got a crazed look in his eyes, and a silly grin plastered on his face. Then he spotted a half empty jar of peanut butter through the window.

"Peeeeaaaaanut buuuuutteeeerrrr!" he said, dreamily, and let go of the ladder.

"Bert, watch what you're doing!" Reggie shouted, as the ladder began to fall. Ralph and Melissa were just coming around the corner, and the ladder was heading right for them.

"Ralph, look out!" Melissa shouted.

"Yaaahhh!" Ralph screamed, and the ladder crashed to the ground.

"Ralph! Melissa!" Bert shouted, forgetting about the peanut butter completely. When the dust cleared, Bert and Reggie saw Melissa sitting on the ground, untouched by the ladder. Ralph standing there, too, but his tail had been pinned under the ladder.

"Oh, Ralph, are you all right?" Melissa asked, as she and Reggie moved the ladder.

"I think so, Melissa," Ralph said, rubbing his tail.

"Ralph, I'm so sorry!" Bert shouted. "It's all my fault. I just got a whiff of peanut butter and . . . ."

"Bert, this has got to stop," Ralph said. "You've got to learn to control yourself!"

"I will," Bert said. "As of right now, I'm giving up peanut butter!"

"Bert Raccoon giving up peanut butter?" Melissa asked. "Now I've heard everything!"

"The world must be coming to an end," Reggie teased.

Bert ignored his friends teasing. He knew they didn't think he could do it. But he'd show them!


	2. Shortage

The next morning, Bert went over to the Sneer mansion to see Cedric. He looked like a shell of his former self. He had only given up peanut butter for one day, and he was already going crazy.

"Bert, you look terrible!" Sophia shouted when she saw him.

"Peanut butter," was all Bert said. "Must . . . . have . . . . peanut butter!"

"What's he babbling about now?" Cyril asked coming into the room.

"Bert's trying to kick his peanut butter habit," Sophia explained. "He's been at it since yesterday."

Bert wasn't listening. He went into the kitchen, and began going through the cabinets, looking for the peanut butter. Cedric walked in and saw his best friend taking things out of the cupboards and throwing them onto the floor.

"Bert?" he asked. "Uhh, are you all right?"

"No I'm not all right!" Bert shouted. "I can't stand it! I GOTTA HAVE PEANUT BUTTER! I CAN'T GIVE IT UP!"

"I kind of figured this wouldn't last long," Cedric said. "Though you went a lot longer without it than I thought you would."

"Just give me some peanut butter, Cedric!" Bert shouted. "I know you've got some! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Oh, sorry, Bert. We used the last of it this morning."

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

Cedric was a little surprised at Bert's reaction. Bert continued to tear through the cabinets, until he unearthed a can of peanuts. He smiled, and then spied the coffee maker.

"I'll make my own peanut butter!" Bert shouted. "Stand back, Cedric!"

"Wait a minute, Bert!" Cedric shouted, but Bert wasn't listening. He poured the peanuts into the coffee maker, and turned it on. Unfortunately, the machine started to break down the minute Bert started it up, and it exploded. Bits of mashed up peanuts flew everywhere, and it definitely did not make peanut butter.

"I tried to tell you, Bert," Cedric said. "You can't make peanut butter in a coffee maker. Boy, Pop is gonna have a fit!"

Bert quickly snuck out the door before Cyril could come in. He hated to leave Cedric holding the bag, but he was desperate for some peanut butter here! The first place he went to was Willow's store, but they were sold out of peanut butter. Then he went to the Blue Spruce Cafe, but Schafer was out of peanut butter as well. Bert tried every single place he could to get some peanut butter, but wherever he went, there wasn't any. Then he ran to the Evergreen Standard office. Ralph was typing something on his typewriter, and so was Reggie, using Bert's typewriter.

"Guys! We've got a crisis!" he shouted. "There's no peanut butter in the Evergreen Forest!"

"We know," Reggie said, pulling the piece of paper out of the typewriter. "Take a look at my headline."

"Peanut Butter Shortage Sweeps Evergreen Forest," Bert said. Then he gasped loudly, which sounded more like a wheeze. "PEANUT BUTTER SHORTAGE?! This can't be! I need peanut butter! I'll lose my strength without it!"

"I thought you said you were giving up peanut butter," Ralph commented.

"And you believed me?!" Bert shouted. "I gotta find some peanut butter!"

And with that, Bert raced out of the office so fast, he created a breeze. Papers flew off the desk.

"We'd better follow him before he gets into trouble," Ralph said. "Come on!"

"We'll get Cedric and Sophia to help, too," Melissa said, and she, Reggie, and Ralph took off.

Bert was walking around all over the town, trying to find some peanut butter. He came across a very long line. Bert saw at the end of the line was an aardvark wearing a pin striped suit and fedora. Bert recognized him from the post office. It was Rocky Calone, one of the toughest gangsters in the underworld. Beside him were two thugs. One was a giant, muscle bound rat, and the other was a skinny lizard. They were handing out jars of peanut butter to the people in line, in exchange for gold. One woman walked up to the head of the line without anything.

"Okay, toots, where's the gold?" Rocky asked. "You know the rules. No gold, no peanut butter! See?"

"Please, Mr. Calone, I need this peanut butter," she said. "My kids refuse to eat anything else! They haven't eaten in three days!"

"If I had a heart, you'd be breakin' it," Rocky said. "Now scram! And don't come back until you get some gold!"

The woman left the line, and Rocky's sidekicks began to laugh.

"You're a riot, boss!" the lizard shouted.

"Daaaah, yeah," the rat said. "You're really funny!"

"Shaddap!" Rocky shouted, swatting his two goons in the head at once.

Bert couldn't take it any longer. He raced to the head of the line and faced Rocky, practically drooling.

"What do you want, Bandit Face?" Rocky asked.

"Peanut butter!" Bert shouted.

"Eh?" Rocky asked, a little confused.

"Peanutbutterpeanutbutterpeanutbutter!" Bert shouted again, and he actually tried to climb over Rocky to get at it.

"Not without gold, fella," Rocky said. Then he turned to his thugs. "Muscles, Slim, get rid of this joker."

"Daaahhh, okay, Boss," Muscles said. He picked up Bert by the back of his sweater and tossed him across the street. By that time, Ralph, Melissa, Reggie, Cedric, and Sophia had caught up with him.

"Bert, are you all right?" Sophia asked, as she and Melissa helped Bert up.

"What's going on?" Ralph asked.

"It's terrible! Just terrible!" Bert shouted. "He's hoarding peanut butter!"

"What?" Reggie asked.

"Follow me!" Bert shouted. "I'll show you!"

Bert led his friends to where Rocky Calone was passing out peanut butter. He had closed up his "shop," much to the dissatisfaction to the people in line. They were all yelling, screaming and pounding on the door.

"If there's a peanut butter shortage, where's Rocky Calone getting his supply?" Melissa asked.

"Well, we'd better find out!" Bert shouted. "Come on, everybody! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!"

Bert was off and running. The others looked at him, sighed, and followed him, mainly to make sure he didn't get himself into any trouble.


	3. Searching

The group managed to track Rocky and his thugs to the edge of the Evergreen Forest, at a peanut butter factory. Unfortunately, they had lost track of them.

"I wonder where they went?" Ralph asked.

"Never mind them," Reggie said, looking around. "I think we've just let a bull loose in a china shop."

"What do you mean?" Melissa asked.

"Well, we're at a peanut butter factory," Reggie continued. "And that only means one thing . . . ."

"Bert!" the others shouted, and they raced into the factory to find Bert before he could do anything crazy. Luckily, they caught him before he could get very far.

"Just one lick!" he shouted as Ralph, Reggie, and Cedric held him back. "Just one! I gotta have it! I gotta have some peanut butter!"

"Cool it, will ya, Bert?" Reggie asked. "Good grief."

"No sign of Rocky Calone and his thugs around here," Melissa said, looking around the room.

"Maybe some of the workers have seen him," Ralph said, walking over to one of the factory workers. "Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen three suspicious looking characters around?"

"No, I haven't," the worker said, nervously. She was trying to squirt peanut butter into the jars on the assembly line. "I haven't seen much of anything. We've got a ton of problems here."

"Look at this," Sophia said, indicating the jars on the belt. "All the jars are half empty."

"Or half full, depending on how you look at it," Reggie shrugged.

"That's the problem," the worker said. "We're trying our best, but we can't fill the jars up, and no one will buy half full . . . . or half empty . . . . jars of peanut butter."

"I know someone who would," Ralph said, glancing at Bert. He was trying to race for the conveyer belt, drooling, and Cedric was holding him back.

"The boss told us if we don't start filling these jars up," the worker said. "It's pink slips all around! The boss is spending tons of money on peanuts, and we're still not filling the jars!"

"Something weird is going on here, Ralph," Melissa said. "We'd better investigate."

"Right, Melissa," Ralph said. "Mind if we take a look around?"

"Go ahead," the worker replied. "We've got jars to fill. Hopefully."

The group began walking around outside of the factory. Unfortunately, they didn't have the slightest idea where to start looking. Luckily for them, they were about to get a lead. Slim and Muscles were just coming around the corner.

"Over there!" Cedric shouted. "It's Rocky Calone's henchmen!"

"Uh oh," Slim said. "Company. Let's make like the wind and blow!"

"Yeah! And let's get outta here, too!" Muscles shouted, and he and Slim took off, but the Raccoons and their friends ran after them.

Muscles and Slim ducked through a door, and ran down a flight of stairs. They found their boss, in a hideout underneath the peanut butter factory. Rocky had tubes attached to the machinery upstairs, which led to a giant tank. Peanut butter was being squirted from the tank into his jars. He was also counting his ill gotten gains.

"Hey, boss, we've got bad news," Slim said. "That weird lookin' raccoon we tossed out of line is snoopin' around upstairs with his friends."

"Yeah?" Rocky asked. "Well, listen, see. They ain't gettin' any of my peanut butter. Slim, turn up the pressure on the tank. Then, you and Muscles get those jars into the vault, see?"

"Got it, boss," Slim said. He walked over to the other wall, and turned a wheel. Peanut butter began squirting into jars on the conveyor belt. Then, he and muscles began to gather up the jars and put them in Rocky's vault.

Meanwhile, the Raccoons and their friends were still trying to find out which why these peanut butter thieves had gone, but they weren't having any luck.

"This is ridiculous," Melissa said. "They couldn't have just disappeared into thin air!"

"We'd better keep looking," Ralph said. "Maybe if we split up, we'll have a better chance of finding them."

But before the group could split up, the scent of peanut butter filled the air. Bert caught a whiff of it, and began drooling. He soon got a hungry look in his eyes, and a silly grin plastered on his face.

"Peeeeaaaaanut buttttteeeerrrrrr!" he sighed, dreamily.

"Cool it, Bert," Reggie said, holding his friend back. "There's a shortage, remember?"

"But if Bert is smelling it, there must be some peanut butter around here somewhere," Ralph said.

"And if we find peanut butter," Melissa said. "We find Rocky Calone."

"Okay, Bert, track down the scent," Ralph said. "But control yourself."

"Oh, don't worry, Ralph," Bert said. "I'm in complete control!"

And with that, Bert took off like a shot. The others raced after him, but they couldn't keep up. Bert rounded a corner, and the others lost him.

"Oh great," Reggie said, sarcastically. "Now we've lost Bert as well as Rocky Calone's goons."

"Let's split up and look for Bert," Ralph said. "If I know him, he'll get himself into trouble over peanut butter."

The others nodded. Ralph, Melissa, and Reggie went in one direction, while Cedric and Sophia went in another. Bert found a door, and threw it open, racing down a flight of stairs.

"I'm in control," he said. "I'm in control . . . . I'm out of control! I'm out of control! Peanut butter!"

At the end of the flight of stairs, Bert found a vent, and looked through it. He saw Rocky's vault full of peanut butter jars, and began drooling like Pavlov's dog.

"The Mother Load!" he shouted, and in a burst of speed, ran right through the vent, and into Rocky's vault, slamming the door behind him. Rocky and his goons didn't know what to make of it at first.

"Daaahhhh, who was dat masked man anyway?" Muscles asked.

"You moron!" Rocky shouted, whapping Muscles over the head. "Get in there!"

As Rocky, Slim, and Muscles began to get into the vault, Bert was opening jars of peanut butter, scooping the contents into his paw, and straight into his mouth, gobbling and slurping up the peanut butter as fast as he could. He was eating like a pig. But he didn't care. As long as he got his peanut butter. Finally, he grew full, and he collapsed on his back amid a sea of peanut butter jars.

"Ninety-nine jars of PB on the wall! Ninety-nine jars of PB!" Bert sang, way off key. Then he hiccuped. By that time, Rocky and his goons finally got the door to the vault open, and saw Bert lying there.

"You dirty rat," Rocky said.

"Uh oh . . . ." Bert said, nervously. He would have gotten up to run away, but he was too full.

"Daaahhh, what you want we should do wit him, boss?" Muscles asked, as he picked up Bert by the collar.

"Well, if he wants peanut butter, give it to him," Rocky said. "Show him the peanut butter tank, if you know what I mean."

"Sure, boss," Slim said. Then he began laughing. "That's a good one."

Slim and Muscles cracked up at that. Rocky turned to them.

"Shaddap!" he shouted.

Muscles and Slim "shaddapped," and proceeded to roll Bert over to the big tank of peanut butter.

"Bone appetite, Peanut Butter Ball," Slim said, as he and Muscles pushed Bert off the catwalk, and into the tank.

"Yaaaahhhh!" Bert screamed as he fell.

SPLAT!

Right into the tank of peanut butter. Bert swam in the peanut butter for awhile, and then he ended up somehow getting sucked down into it, and squirted into one of the jars.

(This is a cartoon, people, it doesn't _have_ to make sense!)

As Bert was riding on the conveyor belt, Ralph, Melissa, Reggie, Cedric, and Sophia regrouped right in front of it.

"Any luck?" Cedric asked.

"None whatsoever," Melissa sighed.

Bert saw them, and managed to scoot himself off the conveyor belt. He rolled towards his friends, and ended up slamming right into Cedric's foot, hard.

"Ouch!" Cedric shouted. Then he looked down at the jar, and his eyes nearly popped right out of his head.

"Bert?!" he shouted, incredulously.

"Boy, how cartoony can ya get?!" Reggie shouted, picking up the jar.

"I knew this would happen someday," Ralph said. "Bert, I told you if you ate too much peanut butter, you'd turn into a jar of peanut butter."

"Come on," Sophia said. "Let's get him out of there."

Reggie took the lid off the jar, and Bert's tail sprang up out of it. But that was about all.

"This is going to take all of us," Ralph said, grabbing Bert's tail. Everyone else positioned themselves behind Ralph, and got ready.

"On three," Melissa said. "One, two, three, HEAVE!"

Everyone pulled as hard as they could until they managed to get Bert out of there. Thanks to the force of their pull, everyone stumbled backwards and fell to the floor.

"I've heard of packed under pressure, but _that_ was ridiculous!" Reggie shouted.

"Bert, how in the world did this happen?!" Ralph shouted.

"Rocky Calone and his stooges, that's how," Bert said. Then he hiccuped, and groaned.

"No," Ralph said, poking Bert in the belly. "I mean this peanut butter gut!"

"Whoa, it's a long story," Bert moaned. "But after this, I think I'm ready to swear off peanut butter! Rocky Calone's got a whole vault full of the stuff. Let me tell you guys something, he's one tough customer!"

"I think I'll head back to the Standard," Melissa said. "I think we have a file on Calone there. It's worth checking out."

"I'll go with you," Reggie said. "Then we'll head for the police."

And with that, Melissa and Reggie left the factory to check into Rocky Calone.

"So what do we do about Rocky now?" Cedric asked.

"Well, I've got an idea," Bert said. "Now here's what we'll do."


	4. Scarface Raccoon

Moments later, Bert, Ralph, Cedric, and Sophia were standing outside the peanut butter factory, in front of the door Bert had found earlier. Cedric was lifting a cage via rope and pulley. Bert and Ralph were wearing pinstriped suits and fedoras, and Sophia was wearing a long, red sequined dress, red high heels, and a lot of heavy make-up (mostly eye shadow and mascara).

"Okay, Cedric," Bert said. "When we get Calone and his goons out of there, you drop the cage on them."

"Right," Cedric said.

"Bert, are you sure you can handle this?" Ralph said. "I mean, knowing you and peanut butter."

"Relax, Ralph," Bert said. "I've had my fill of the stuff! I never want to see peanut butter again! Now come on, let's go."

Bert started for another entrance to Rocky's hideout. Ralph and Sophia followed, but they weren't exactly sure if this was such a good idea or not. Bert burst through the door of the hideout, and Rocky glared at him.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Don't youse know how to knock?!"

"Scarface Raccoon never knocks, see? Nyah, see?" Bert said, in a gangster accent.

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Rocky asked, thoughtfully.

"Probably the post office," Bert said, quickly. "Nyah, see! Now then, you're the dirty rat that's musclin' in on our peanut butter racket, see? Nyah, see, nyah!"

"Oh yeah?" Rocky asked. "Well, see, I'll do all the seein' around here, see, and don't you forget it, see!"

"Nyah, see!" Bert shouted. "Let's you and me take this outside, see?"

"Fine with me," Rocky said. "After you."

"No, after you," Bert said. "I insist, see?"

"No, _I_ insist, see?"

"Oh yeah? Give me one good reason!"

"I'll give ya two good reasons, see?"

Bert looked over at Rocky's two reasons. Slim and Muscles looked ready to pound him into the pavement. Bert gulped.

"Those are good reasons," he said, and he and the others walked through the door. Unfortunately, Cedric lowered the cage, expecting Rocky Calone and his men. It landed on Bert, Ralph, and Sophia instead.

"Oops," Cedric said. Just then, Rocky and his thugs came through the door.

"Ah ha!" he shouted. "I knew it was a trap!"

"Run, Cedric!" Sophia shouted.

Cedric started running, but he was tripped up by Slim, and he ended up landing flat on his face. Rocky laughed.

"Boys, let's take our guests to the executive suite," he said.

"Daaah, the what?" Muscles asked.

"The sewer drain, Knucklehead," Slim said. Then he laughed. "You're real funny, boss."

Slim and Muscles began cracking up just then. Rocky shot them a glare.

"Shaddap!" he yelled.

Moments later, Rocky and his mugs were leading Bert, Ralph, Cedric, and Sophia down a hallway and to a abnormally large storm drain.

"Well, it ain't exactly the Ritz," Rocky said. "But I think you'll find it very comfortable."

And with that, Slim and Muscles pushed Bert, Ralph, and Cedric into the drain. Rocky smirked, and turned towards Sophia.

"Better say goodbye too 'em, sweetheart," he said, coming closer. Sophia pushed him away from her.

"You get away from me!" she shouted. Rocky continued coming towards her.

"You know, I could use a good lookin' dame like you in my organization," he said. Sophia tried to push him away from her again. Rocky merely laughed.

"Hey," he said. "You got spunk!"

"Thanks," Sophia said.

"I _hate_ spunk!"

Sophia managed to wrench herself away from Rocky. Rocky just glared at her, and turned to Slim.

"How 'bout offering our guests a little . . . . drink, Slim?" he said.

"Sure thing, boss," Slim said, and he walked over to the controls. He turned the faucet, and water came gushing out of the hose Muscles was holding, right into the drain. Bert, Ralph, and Cedric didn't know what in the world hit him. All they knew was that the force of the water was forcing them down that oversized drain and directly into the sewer.

"Aw, poor babies," Rocky said with mock sympathy. "They were startin' to look a little . . . . flushed. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!"

Slim and Muscles began cracking up at that as well, until Rocky shot them a killer Look.

"We know," they said in unison. "Shaddap!"


	5. Happily Ever After with Peanut Butter

Bert, Ralph, and Cedric sailed through the pipes, and landed outside the factory. Bert spat a mouthful of water out of his mouth, and began banging on the sides of his head, trying to get water out of his ears.

"Who knew drain pipes were so roomy?" he said.

"What do we do now?" Cedric asked.

"We have to find our way back into Calone's hideout," Ralph said. "And I know just the thing to do it. Bert's nose."

"Oh yeah!" Cedric shouted. "Bert can sniff out Calone's peanut butter vault in no time!"

"Don't even say those words!" Bert shouted. "I'm sick of peanut butter! I never want to see it again! Face it you guys, it's the end of an era."

Ralph and Cedric looked at each other. They couldn't believe what they were hearing.

Meanwhile, back at Rocky's hideout, Rocky was still flirting with Sophia, and she was not enjoying it one little bit.

"Come on, gorgeous," he said. "How's about a kiss?"

Sophia tried to slap Rocky across the face, but Rocky ducked before she could hit him.

"There's that spunk again!" he shouted, frustratedly. "Come on, baby. Be my moll. I'll give ya anything ya want. Gold, diamonds, rubies, emeralds . . . . you name it. Whattya say?"

"Here's what I say," Sophia said. She hit Rocky in the head with her fist, and took off running.

"Don't just stand there gaping, you mugs!" Rocky yelled at Slim and Muscles. "Go get her!"

"Daahhhh, I got her, boss! I got her!" Muscles shouted, running after Sophia. Sophia noticed she was approaching a dead end, and at the last second, turned, and ran in the opposite direction. Muscles ended up running face first into the wall.

CRASH!

"You pea brain!" Rocky yelled.

Sophia was about to race for the door, when Slim came out from a narrow opening, grabbed her by the arms, and held her in an iron grip.

"Gotcha!" he shouted.

"Good work, Slim," Rocky said. Then he turned to Sophia. "And as for you, sister, I think I've got just the thing for you and your spunk. Let's go, boys."

Back in the sewer, Ralph and Cedric were trying to think of a way to get Bert to sniff out Rocky's peanut butter stash so they could find their way back to where he was hiding. But it was clear Bert had given up peanut butter for sure.

"We've got to remind him how much he loves peanut butter!" Ralph shouted. "But I can't think of how to do it."

"Wait a minute, Ralph," Cedric said, snapping his fingers. "I think I've got it."

Cedric whispered his plan to Ralph. Ralph smiled and nodded.

"That's perfect!" he shouted. Then he raised his voice so Bert would hear him. "You're crazy, Cedric! Chunky peanut butter is better than smooth!"

"No way, Ralph," Cedric argued. "Smooth peanut butter is the best kind there is!"

"What do you say, Bert?" Ralph asked. "Which peanut butter is better? Smooth or chunky?"

"Well, they're both pretty fantastic," Bert said. "But the best kind of peanut butter is vintage peanut butter. Especially vintage eighty-six."

"Why is that?" Ralph asked.

"The aroma for one thing," Bert said. "Vintage eighty-six peanut butter has the best scent in the entire history of peanut butter. And I oughta know! I've been around enough peanut butter to know. Vintage eight-six practically melts in your mouth, and the taste stays in your mouth for hours on end!"

Suddenly, Bert sniffed the air and suddenly began drooling, and a silly grin was plastered over his face.

"Peanut butter!" he shouted, and then he took off towards the scent. "Peanutbutterpeanutbutterpeanutbutterpeanutbutter!"

"Yahoo!" Ralph shouted. "It worked!"

"Come on, Ralph!" Cedric shouted. "We'd better tail Bert before we lose him!"

Ralph nodded, and he and Cedric followed Bert.

As Ralph, Cedric, and Bert made their way through the sewer and towards the peanut butter, Rocky was about to make Sophia an offer he figured she wouldn't refuse. He had her tied up on his conveyer belt, which led to a guillotine.

"I'll give you one more chance, toots," Rocky said. "You gonna be my moll or not?"

"Not if you were the last aardvark on Earth!" Sophia shouted.

"Have it your way, baby," Rocky said. He walked over to his control box, and started up the conveyer belt.

At that moment, Bert came up out of a drain, and immediately raced for Rocky's vault. He grabbed a jar of peanut butter and savored the aroma for a moment.

"Come to Papa!" he shouted.

Ralph and Cedric climbed out of the drain shortly thereafter and were about to follow Bert into the vault, when they heard Sophia let out a deafening screech.

"Sophia!" Cedric shouted. Unfortunately, that caught Rocky's attention.

"Them again?!" he shouted. "Muscles, Slim, take care of 'em!"

"You got it, boss," Slim said. "We'll make mincemeat out of 'em!"

"Yeah, and we'll beat 'em up good, too!" Muscles shouted.

"Uh oh," Cedric said. "We'd better think fast."

"I don't know how good your fencing skills are, Cedric," Ralph said, grabbing a couple of nearby swords. "But it's better than nothing!"

"And nothin's exactly what's gonna be left of the two of you when we get done with yas!" Slim shouted, and he grabbed a couple more swords. He handed one to Muscles and the fight was on.

Bert, meanwhile, had just opened one of Rocky's peanut butter jars, and was about to plunge his paw into it, when he was suddenly snapped out of it when Sophia let out another scream.

"Somebody help me!" she yelled.

"Huh?" Bert asked. He looked outside the vault and saw Ralph and Cedric dueling with Slim and Muscles, and Sophia slowly heading towards a guillotine on a conveyer belt.

"Whoa!" he shouted. "No time for peanut butter now! Bert Raccoon to the rescue!"

Bert tossed the peanut butter aside, and raced out of the vault. Rocky hadn't noticed. He was just standing there by his conveyor belt controls, looking smug.

"Don't go all to pieces, sister," he said. "Wait a couple of seconds. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!"

"Bert!" Sophia shouted when she saw Bert running towards the conveyor belt. Rocky turned to look, and then he growled.

"I've got just the thing to stop that peanut butter brain!" he shouted. He left his control panel just then. Once he left it, Bert ran over to it.

"Whoa boy," he said. "I wonder which one's the stop button?"

"Hurry, Bert!" Sophia shouted.

Before Bert could do anything, Rocky approached him with an open jar of peanut butter, practically waving it under the raccoon's nose.

"Hey, Fuzzy Face," he said. "I got somethin' for ya!"

"Peeeeaaaaanut buuuutttteeerrrr!" Bert sighed dreamily, as Rocky began leading him away from the belt controls.

"Oh Bert, no!" Sophia shouted.

"That's right, Bandit Eyes," Rocky said. "Have some nice vintage peanut butter."

"Vintage peanut butter?" Bert repeated.

"That's right. Vintage eighty-six. Good year for peanut butter, don't you think?"

"Oooohhhhh boy. Eighty-six!"

"Bert!" Sophia shouted. "Please! Snap out of it!"

"But Sophia!" Bert argued. "It's vintage eighty-six!"

"Come on, Bert," Rocky said, sneakily. "You know you want this stuff. You know you want to get your hands on vintage eighty-six peanut butter!"

"Bert, please!" Sophia pleaded, getting closer and closer to the guillotine.

Bert was up a tree here. He longed for that vintage eighty-six peanut butter, but he couldn't just ignore Sophia's plight, either. What was a raccoon to do?

"You know you want to, Bert," Rocky said again. Bert finally heaved a sigh.

"I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for this," he said, and he grabbed the peanut butter jar. But instead of eating it, he dumped the peanut butter over Rocky's head, and gave him a hard shove. Rocky was so surprised, he stumbled right into the wall, face first. He slid to the ground, too dazed to get up.

Bert then ran over to the controls to the conveyor belt, and pushed the red button (it's always the red button). The conveyor belt stopped in the nick of time.

"Whew!" Bert shouted, breathing a sigh of relief. "If that knife were any closer, you would've had a permanent haircut, Sophia!"

"Thanks, Bert," Sophia said, as Bert untied her. Then she suddenly remembered something.

"Oh my gosh! Ralph and Cedric!" she shouted. "We have to help them!"

"Yeah, and I know just how to do it!" Bert shouted. He ran over to the large tank of peanut butter, and detached a tube from it. Then he aimed at Slim and Muscles, and squirted. A giant blast of peanut butter, reminiscent of a fire engine's hose, came shooting out of the tube. Due to the built up pressure from inside of it, the force of the peanut butter knocked Slim and Muscles off their feet. Then he knocked them into their boss, and the three of them got stuck to the floor.

"I knew there wasn't such a thing as too much peanut butter!" Bert shouted.

"Good job, Bert!" Ralph shouted.

Sirens filled the air suddenly, and the police arrived, followed by Reggie and Melissa, on Reggie's motorcycle. Reggie took off his helmet and looked around.

"Aw nuts!" he shouted. "We missed all the action!"

"What happened here?" Melissa asked. Then she got a good look at Ralph, Bert, and Sophia. "And what in the world are the three of you dressed like that for?"

"Yeah, Sophia," Reggie commented. "You'll need a hammer and a chisel to get all that make up off!"

"It's a long story," Ralph said with a sigh. "You and Reggie will read all about it in tomorrow's Standard."

"At least it's the end of the peanut butter storage," Cedric said. "Once the factory fixes the leaks in their tanks, it'll be operational again in no time."

"Right," Bert said. "And I'm a changed raccoon. I've sure learned my lesson! From now on, I'll cut back on peanut butter!"

Bert suddenly sniffed the air, and began drooling.

"Uhhh . . . ." he said. "First thing tomorrow morning. PEANUT BUTTER! BANZAAAAIIIIIII!"

With that, Bert dove into Rocky's vault, opened a jar of peanut butter, and began shoveling it in.

"I'd say he's earned it this time," Ralph said.

The others agreed on that one, and began laughing.

The End


End file.
